Raj Story

There once was a cow in a field chewing grass somewhere in the Mountains of India. The cow was called Basanti. Now this cow was not any ordinary, happy cow, this cow had been besmirched by her owner, Ranjit Singh. Now, Ranjit was so ugly that many women had knocked back his arranged marriage proposals so he decided to use Basanti as his companion. In the 1980's, Basanti gave birth to her and Ranjit's infant and named him Raj. The villagers were shocked and appalled when they saw young Raj as he had the features of both parents so they were thrown out of the village and effectively out of the country. In 1985, they made their way to England using Noah's Ark for most of the way and a banana boat to sneak in under the nose of Border Patrol. When they arrived in England, they had met with a guy in Bradford who offered them a place to stay at his house that was decorated in Arsenal colours which had a huge garden with a tree in the middle where Basanti could relax.

22 years on from when they arrived in Bradford, Raj was now a full-grown cretin working in Burger King after failing miserably in his exams at school and failed trials at Bradford City. Raj had a few problems with women when he was younger so he quit dating females and moved onto men. At the moment, he was the plaything of four people... Danny Forrest, Dean Windass, Michael Owen and David Beckham. He was so happy when one of these men did well in their profession and he told everyone that they proved everyone wrong and they're the bestest ever in the whole wide world. One of Raj's interests were to go on football forums pretending he was one of these players, which didn't go down too well on these forums because he always got exposed as a liar

One day, whilst at Burger King, a tall man with slick black hair walks in to Raj's till and orders a Chicken Royale Meal. Raj looks up and is immediately taken aback by the man and his jaw drops to the floor. " Oh my god, its Cristiano Ronaldo, I love you so much " said Raj. Cristiano blushed and then handed over his number to Raj saying that if he was ever in Manchester, come down and he'll sort out a few complimentary tickets for Raj and his family.

That night, at Danny Forrest's house, Raj was staying the night so they were watching highlights of Bradford City's favourite moments which ended after about 10 mins so they decided to entertain themselves. Raj did not seem to have the same enthusiasm towards what they were doing as his mind was on what had happened at Burger King during the day. He told Danny what had happened and how he's fallen for Cristiano. Danny did not like this and was furious,
" You PLANKPOT, how can you think of someone like him when you have me " fumed Danny " But he is so handsome " Raj replied " He cost us the last World Cup and is a diving cheat " said Danny Raj was animated at this time and the only thing he said was " BUT he has proved you and everyone wrong and is the most skillful player and best looking in the whole wide world ".
Raj walked out of Danny's house into his Datsun 180Y and drove all the way up to Manchester to visit Cristiano.

On arriving in Manchester, Raj flagged down a car asking the driver if he know the directions to Cristiano's house, which he did so Raj got back in his car and arrived outside the Ronaldo Mansion five minutes later. Raj knocked on the door but there was no answer for a minute so he tried again. Ronaldo opened the door wearing nothing but a rubber thong.
"I love you Ronaldo, I want to be with you forever" declared Raj. "Do I know you?" asked Ronaldo " I'm Raj, from Burger King in Bradford. You were there yesterday and you ordered a chicken royale meal from me." "I was just being friendly to someone who likes me, nothing more " explained Ronaldo

Raj heard a female voice coming from inside the house so, consumed with rage, he barged past Ronaldo to see a horrific image... it was Basanti lying there covered in Jelly. Raj welled up with tears and realising the two things he loved betrayed him so he went out to the car, grabbed a hammer, which he used to bludgeon Ronaldo and Basanti to death.

Raj confessed his crimes to the police but he pleaded that it was a crime of passion so his sentence was only 10 years with no parole. At this moment in time, Raj is two months into his sentence and rumour on the outside is that a few of the hardened criminals inside have made him their girlfriend/plaything. Also, the shock of Basanti's death and the court case took its toll on Ranjit and he died of a massive heart attack.